ScreamFree

So I've started my book again, ScreamFree, and wanted to post some more about it. Recently, a friend of mine that I dearly respect and adore wrote me about how she's been screaming and yelling at the kids and that she even resorts to cursing for various reasons. Not at the kids, necessarily, but in general. I admitted that I definitely have choice words that go thru my head with the kids, when they're driving me nuts. But I have a past of that that I hated. So I try really hard not to use those words, but I gave her the advice to yell some words that don't even make sense. Aaron goes around saying "oh, bumpers" or "oh my peas!!". It's really funny, they're from a couple of kid shows he watches. But I think this book definitely gives me a way of dealing with the kids in such a way that I don't even have to resort to this kind of...distraction? I am getting into the part of the book that talks a lot about consequences. My kids, and most of my friends kids, are at are age where we provide the consequences, they aren't natural. I think it will get easier when we ant even in charge of the consequences, the natural consequences. An example would be the most recent story I read. A girl was turning 16 and had planned a trip to Europe with her aunt, with her parents permission. She was going to be getting her license in just a couple weeks. She called her parents and said she'd gotten into an accident. The parents got there and her boyfriend had lost control of the car and they had run into a pole. Time went on, and a couple days before she was to leave for Europe and she came clean, SHE was driving the car. They had both lied to her parents and the police. The parents ended up letting her go on the trip telling her, when she asked about the consequence, that there was plenty of time for that discussion after she returned. Even after she returned they putting off the topic for a couple days. The parents decided that, after talking with a lawyer, that she had to come clean to the cops, etc. and after talking with the lawyer, she would maybe have to put off getting her license until she was 18. Yikes!! Now this is definitely a pretty severe natural consequence. But holy cow. Could you even imagine going through this with your kids?? Seriously, if I had to think back to when I was that girls age and my parents, I would have been grounded for a year. That brings me to my next, well really my first topic, that I ran into yesterday. He talks about empty threats. They're really broken promises. Like, when we are at the park and I tell Aaron 3 more minutes. I'm preparing him to be ready to leave in 3 minutes. But sometimes we stay longer. I say it's because I want for him to play just a tad longer, or for me to finish an email, or to finish reading an article. But this really affects his perception of what I say and when I say it. We've heard "but you promised!!!!". Well, I haven't yet, but I'm sure it's in my future. He uses his own example of promising his little girl a dog when she was old enough to help take care of it. He promised in haste, it was a quick response. But he must hold himself to that because: 1. The world has a certain order to it. 2. People are accountable to one another. 3. Authority can be trusted. 4. Words and actions have meaning and power. 5. In this crazy and chaotic life, promises still matter. As long as you keep your promises, these lessons teach themselves!! It comes down to integrity - meaning what you say, saying what you mean, and following through with what you promise. Last point. He talks about consistency. 1. Don't ever set a consequence that is tougher for you to enforce than it is for them to endure. Grounding your daughter for two months. Are you crazy?? Ae you really going to babysit her that long?? No tv for a week for your 5 year old. Tv is one of your babysitters!!!! You have all that extra pressure to entertain him. Otherwise you're going to be screaming and yelling at him that whole time you're not entertaining him. 2. There are no shortcuts to setting or enforcing consequences. Provide consistent discipline. Time consuming? Yes. Exhausting? Yes. Never done from afar. Power through. 3. Choose only those consequences that you are willing to enforce. This happens when you let your anxiety get the best of you. Ask yourself, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?? What is your motivation for a particular discipline? Why do you want to spank your child?you want to communicate your physical size and strength over them? Why do you want ti use a timeout? Take away privileges and material possessions? To teach them the value of those gifts? I personally think this is a big question for me. Why do I discipline them the way I do?? Precisely? 4. Only choose consequences you are willing to endure yourself. He uses an example of a client who got a speeding ticket. His son did too, but his son had gotten therein a matter of a year. He could loose his license for a few months. Does he hire a lawyer to 'get rid' of the tickets, or does. He make his son pay for his mistakes? He must also pay for his mistake. If he doesn't hire the lawyer, Dad has to drive the kids around to school, etc. Kind of a punishment for the dad as well. Want would you do? I know some of you don't think it's that difficult, discipline the kid. Take away everything. How hard is it? That's what my parents did. But I think it's a different day and age. I don't think being fair is treating the kids equally. Just things to think about for me, personally. Thanks for reading. Wow, I don't think I could ever be a book critic, I'd end up re-writing the book!!!