Learning

So, this may be sad that this my 300th post and it's going to be about my kids, again, and my relationship with them. My last post was about me going over some other blog posts about dealing with kids and harnessing my anger. I heard recently that anger is a form of manipulation. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think anger can be a response to difficult things that make you mad, sad, hurt, etc. However, the way you deal with your anger can be a form of manipulation, I guess. I would not say I was raised with manipulation in my life. My parents were good at letting us know that they were angry about something. Very good. But when I think of manipulation, I think of someone using their feelings, blatantly, obtrusively, purposely, to get something they selfishly want. I know people that do that. My parents did not do that.

The blogs I poured over last week were helpful. I wouldn't say that I am taking them all word for word, agree with everything they said, etc. A lot of them mentioned that kids throw fits and are defiant because they are frustrated and don't know how else to get their thoughts out. And, of course, they see me act the way I do and think that it's okay to throw a fit. Because, basically, that's what I do sometimes. So it's good for me to keep in mind that it's not that they are plotting evil and will overthrow the Kitley empire. They are just having a reaction and expressing their frustration like they know how.

Now, I'm reading a book called ScreamFree Parenting. I just happened to pick it up at the library, very willy-nilly, last week. I started reading over it Friday and I was pleasantly surprised that it is written by a Jesus follower. Made me happy. His name is Hal Edward Runkle and has a masters in divinity and marriage and family counseling.

But I'd like to share an excerpt with you from the book that I already find helpful:
Think about Jesus. He was constantly being misunderstood. His authority was frequently called into question. He had plenty of people trying to derail him from his mission and goal. But he refused to let them push his buttons. He knew who he was, where he had come from, and what he was going to do. If people wanted to follow him, he encouraged them. If people wanted to walk away, no matter how sad it made him, he let them walk away. Because he refused to manipulate or coerce, he maintained the moral authority needed to be the greatest influence the world has ever known.
So if emotional reacitvity is our biggest enemy, where does it come from? More important, what can we do about it? Most of us cannot think of a more terrifying emotion than feeling overwhelmed. We can feel scared, exhausted, worried, or angry, but nothing shuts us down, stops us in our tracks, and causes us to throw up our hands in futility like feeling overwhelmed. When we feel incapable of coping with, handling, or accomplishing all we have to do, we are overwhelmed. When it seems as if we weren't so tired and so frustrated we still couldn't keep all the plates spinning, that's about as scary as it gets. When we feel stretched beyond our limits, that's when we just want to quit.
He's basically talking about how our kids are to us as we are to God. Is God a control freak, pulling your strings and manipulating your every choice?

I think this is so poignant for current parents. So far he has talked about how, back in the day, kids were to be seen and not heard. Now it's gone completely they opposite way!! He mentions who's name is on the back of the minivan??? It's like the kids own the minivan instead of the people who paid for it. He talks about how the kids are the sun and the parents revolve around their kids. And that's not how it should be. I'm only on the first chapter.

I think brings up a great conversation piece:
Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships.
Our biggest struggle as parents isn't with the television; it's not with bad influences; it's not even with drugs or alcohol. Our biggest struggle as parents is with our own emotional reactivity.

Wow.