Open and Honest

So, most of this post will not be what you're used to.  Some of it you'll find quite neurotic, some of it you'll find as...well, I don't know.  Maybe, if you're a mom, you'll identify with it in certain ways.  Maybe not specifically but if ways that pertained to your generation.  I've been putting it off in general, but this last weekend really spurred me to think about it some more and now I've been putting THAT off for 4 days.  Chuck even mentioned how I haven't posted where we're going yet!  I didn't even think about that.

In case you haven't heard, we are going back to Washington!!  I can't even begin to tell you how excited we are about this.  Just on the phone talking to Chuck when he called a WEEK ago (I know...I suck, but we'll get to that later...), he just had this air of calmness, of excitement, like a huge weight had been lifted.  And it was.  We've pretty much been talking about this topic since we knew we were coming to PORTLAND!!  But with the knowledge that talking about it and dreaming about it wouldn't get us anywhere.  Since we've been in Portland, it's only picked up.  Like I told some of my closest friends in WA a couple months ago, when we had our going away party, I never really settled up the fact that we were actually going away.  In my head, we were coming back.  But then it really, like REALLY, looked like we weren't going back to Washington and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Rumors, thoughts, it just never ended.  In addition to the stress that's been put on our family and our relationship this year, it almost seemed too much to bear to even think about it anymore.  Even now, after knowing we're coming back, I have tears in my eyes.  SO much has happened this year. 

*Warning* This post may be 'sharing too much' like Chuck will probably tell me, but I think people really need to know us.  At least me.  And not even our families know what we go through, they don't live near us.  So, suck it up.

I guess I'll start there.  Family (and friends at home), I don't really think you know what we go through.  Money, time, away from all of you, it's really hard.  I know it was a choice that Chuck, and ultimately, I, made.  Chuck felt the need to serve his country after we were attacked.  There are SO many like him.  I know some of you know others who are in the service, I know some of you have lost family members, and many other scenarios.  I, personally, haven't lost anyone.  I have known through others what others have lost, leaving behind children, spouses, friends and family.  But I see SO many wives (mostly) who's husbands go off to war, multiple times.  I am so grateful that I haven't had to do that.  Living in D.C. it was so different, it was like a fake military, except seeing those coming back from overseas.  We were in la la land then. 

Here, well, in Washington, I met the bravest woman, so strong.  Of course she has her times when it's too hard and she just needs time away.  But from the time that she and her husband got married and the time that they moved away to Georgia, they'd spent a whole 2 years, maybe, together.  That was 6 years.  She celebrated her birthdays, her girls' birthdays, alone.  She had a baby for crying out loud by herself!!  She is amazing, so I look at what I go through as a military wife and I've done nothing in comparison.  She's younger than me, but has gone through so much more.

Amber (those of you back home know her if you know me at all) called me last week and said she was in the hospital having her baby.  I was so excited for her but so sad for me.  I've never known someone so consistently for so long.  We have been great friends for almost 20 years.  Being away is so hard.

I also think that our family think that we just have it all good.  We do have it better than a lot of people.  Thanks to our parents, we both have a good head on our shoulders as far as financial decision making and such.  That is such a blessing.  However, I think a lot of people look at us and say, "whatever, he's a doctor, they can do whatever they want".  I think some think we don't want to come home and see people.  I think some think we don't want to spend the money, spend the time, etc.  We look at the home prices back home.  Holy cow, things cost twice as much for the same darn thing here.  It makes my skin crawl!  So, let's get this straight.  Chuck is in the Army.  Enough said?

God has blessed us in so many ways. We have two kids to drive us crazy.  Isn't that a consequence of the fall??  I mean, birth pains, yes, sin, yes.  But kids, wasn't that a consequence, too?  They wear us out by the end of the day.  I'm sitting here (before I started this post), Aaron comes out of his room without taking a nap, says he has to go potty, then runs down the hall toward where I am...completely naked.  Lord, have mercy.

Getting back on the "we're going back to WA" bandwagon.  I know it hurts our family that we aren't there, that the kids aren't there.  And I really feel bad.  On the way to the ladies retreat this weekend, one of the ladies in the car is from Indonesia.  Her parents and her husband's parents live there.  They see them about once a year.  So I talked with her about how she deals with the kids being away from the grandparents.  It was a very short conversation.  She basically said that she doesn't feel back because there's nothing they can do about it.  She's lived in the states for more than 15 years, same for her husband.  They both came here for college.  I don't know how to get "there" but I must get there, because I feel like I feel bad all the time.

One of the biggest reasons we are so grateful that God is sending us back to WA is because we've made such great friends that they are family now.  READ: They don't take the place of family.  But they know us, they know our kids, they love us all unconditionally.  They would do anything for us.  He has blessed us with an amazing support system and we can't wait to be back in that circle.  We would have gone wherever God sent us, but since that did not include Missouri, to be near our family, we couldn't have asked for a better placement.

This brings me to the 'Mom' part of the post.  I know everyone has times when they feel they just aren't good enough.  Good enough moms, good enough wives, good enough housekeepers, good enough _________.  I'm not going to go through all of those, but I've come to a head.  I need to really focus on my 'blank'.  WHAT IS YOUR BLANK????  Mine is photographer (at this time).  And I think the root of all these things is that I don't finish anything.  I finished school(sssss), but really, when have I finished something and known I came to the end and finished it?  And was happy with it?  When was that for you? 

I've made myself cleaning schedules, I've tried to get on a grocery list regimen, so many things.  This calendar year, I've been pretty good at keeping up with something specific.  It's a process to find what works for you. Now I don't have to guess what needs to be done on certain days, what we'll have for dinner (I just need to remember to get whatever out to thaw...still working on that one).  I've been keeping up with my workout regimen surprisingly well the last 3 weeks (I'm in the middle of the fourth week).  There's a schedule and I stick to it pretty well.  I've found a workout schedule, something telling me what I need to do when works for me.  Holy moly, being my own trainer.  I used to get paid decent money for this!!  Gosh, that was a past life.

Then there's photography.  Again, Lord, have mercy on me!!  Honestly, I cry out.  For real!  I really like doing it, it's a challenge for me.  But I need to figure out if RUNNING A FREAKING BUSINESS is worth all this nonsense in my life!!  If I could just take pictures for free for people and give them the images, but somehow get some goodies out of it, I would.  I do it to fund my habit!!  I don't do it to pay the bills (I'm finding, tho, it's not really good to tell your clients this).  I do it to pay for my $2000 lens!! 

But why did I start doing this??  I've come up with a lot of reasons:
To feel like I'm accomplishing something?
To have something to do outside the home without going to 'work'?
To contribute?  But I don't contribute, I just make sure I'm not sucking funds for my habit.
To be more difficult?  Sometimes I think this...
Initially, to get better at photography?

That's really why I started taking pictures.  I got my first SLR in college.  I've always had a camera in my hand.  But then, sometime in grad school, I realized I couldn't manually expose an image.  There was only a green box.  So Chuck got me another film SLR that I could manually expose an image on.  I took most of our pictures from Hawaii on this because my digital camera crapped out on me after the first few days.  Then a few years after that, after we moved here, I got him to get me a digital SLR.  You know what spurred me on with both of these cameras?  Our CRAPPY wedding photographer.  I felt so slighted, enough to hold a grudge for THREE years, that I wanted to really see how hard it was.  How easy it was.  Maybe to make sure this crap was never given to anyone else?  But I've only done one wedding, terrible, $50 (+2 hours round trip for me).  Yuck. 

Knowing what I know now about photography and all that goes with it, behind the scenes, insurance, memberships, packaging, marketing, gear, education, etc.  TAXES.  Ugh, the taxes.  That's why it costs so much.  But I won't get into that.  But just so you know.

But with all the time I spend educating myself on photography or the business side of things, usually online, I find that I'm not balancing my kids and my hobby/job.  I would necessarily call it a hobby, it's a little more serious than that.  But I wouldn't necessarily call it a job either.  When Aaron was first born, I had a hard time being content.  I wrote a lot about it.  I'm not a journal-er.  I never was.  I had a journal as a kid, but I only wrote in it because I felt like I had to.  Other girls my age had them, girls on television programs I watched had them.  Didn't Punkee Brewster have one?  But journaling about not being content and WANTING to be content in what I was doing, being a stay at home mom, helped.  Wanting to have a career, but also feeling the pull of my kid(s) needing me, for me to teach them how to be productive, helpful and compassionate citizens of God's earth. 

I think now I'm content, but still looking for a tad bit more.  But wanting to have that balance.  It's so important.  This came up at the retreat.  The retreat's topic was "Joy in the Journey".  Joy is something I have a hard time doing, let along defining!  I think of joy as a happy marriage of happiness and passion.  Do you think that's right?  What would you add?  Change?  I have my happy times, and frustrated times, lonely times, but I think that there can be joy at all times.  I just don't know how to discover it.  I think I have it, deep down inside, but I need to find it.  The speaker was a bit of a let down, I don't think she spoke enough on how to find that joy.  But she and the worship leader did give me a lot of jumping off points, which is helpful, better than what I started off at. 

I think I start to do something on the computer, something innocent, like returning an email, updating our financial tracker in excel (a new thing for this year, Chuck wanted me to be more involved in our finances), etc.  But that leads to other stuff (one or a cocktail of some of these), editing 'just one' picture, which leads to either editing a whole session or doing a blog post here, or checking Facebook, or my photography forum.  Pinterest is the Devil in disguise.  All of these things lead to Aaron or Delaney coming up to me for attention, etc. and then me being short with them. 

During the ride home the three of us in the car talked about this.  We all have a child around the age of 3.  One lady had an older child and I have a younger child.  I decided that I shouldn't give up photography, because I still need an outlet.  I'm not the creative type.  I scrapbook (that's how the photography got out of hand), but otherwise, it's just photography.  I hardly ever scrapbook anymore!  This is one thing I definitely need to make more time for!!  But I did decide that I need to limit my computer time to only when the kids are gone or down for their naps.  I say this and Aaron is behind me playing Hippos.  But in my defense, he's supposed to be SLEEPING!!!  So this is just another thing to add to "how to be a better mom in the year of 2012". 

When we move this summer, my plan is to go through practically everything and get rid of a lot of stuff.  I meant to do it before we moved to Portland.  But it was so overwhelming.  This time I think it won't be as overwhelming, manageable.  And when we get to our next destination, I have a lot of ideas on how to keep our family more organized.

Another thing I picked up from my friend (they had 30 minute sessions with a therapist and one of my roommates got one of the coveted spots, which is sad!!  The sessions went POOF!! in about 15 minutes!!) was that she was told that she needs to stay true to who she is, make sure her identity isn't wrapped up in her kids.  To have girl time (whether that's with friends or by herself).  And to have that outlet, whether it be volunteering, a part time (or very part time) job that you enjoy, etc.  This is something I have to keep in my head.  Keeping my identity and making sure it's not muddled in my head.

The last thing I picked up from this past weekend without the kids and hubby around and being around a ton of women, was that most women don't let out their feelings enough.  I think Chuck can attest to the fact that I do not struggle with this (in general).  However, I think a lot of women suppress their deep emotions (and I do do this), and they pretty much only let them out when they are prompted and feel they are in a safe place.  So, as a woman, please hear my plea.  Find that safe place.  Because you don't want to wait for that annual (or less-than-annual) ladies retreat to let out all those pent up emotions.  Your home with your husband should be that place for BOTH of you. 

Anyway, just some things that I've been thinking about the last few weeks, months, or even the last couple years.  Thanks for making it this far.

One thing my friend asked me when we were walking toward Haystack was if I take landscape pictures.  I told her I do, but I can never get them right, they way I see them, they way I remember them.  A digital sensor can capture an estimated 7-stop range of light and dark, whereas our eyes see an estimated 16-stop range.  That's a HUGE difference!!!  You snap a picture and you look at it on your computer and you're like, "that didn't look like that when I was there!!!  This doesn't do it justice!!"  This is why.  I capture landscape so I can remember where I was and the beauty God has created, but I can only do my best.  God is THE best at it.  Anyway, here are some pictures from this weekend.  The west coast is SO different from the east coast, for those of you back home.  You just have to come see it for yourselves.

These are from the tide pools just to the left of the big rock (Haystack).

This is the next morning.  It was very peaceful.  The previous day (all the previous pictures) it was VERY windy and kind of rainy).  There was barely even a breeze Sunday morning.