I've been meaning to post this for weeks. After all the hooplah of having Aaron, and being as emotional as I was (which hit me like a ton of bricks because I was NEVER that emotional during the pregnancy), I was looking back at the pictures people took of us being in the hospital. I hadn't seen any pictures that Chuck or the doctors (whoever they were) took of the surgery. WOW! I've posted a few on here and this is the time frame I'm referring to. But when I first saw these pictures I was devastated. I don't remember anything except for moaning and groaning, and it absolutely pained me to see the picture of Chuck holding Aaron next to me and I'm not even looking towards the vicinity of the camera. I look dead. Many of you reading this are family and I'm sure you've been on Brance and Lauren's website (there's a link to their site to the right)(go to http://www.branceandlauren.com/haddie-grace/img_1597/). They have this wonderful family photo of Brance holding baby Haddie and Lauren looking gorgeous as she always does flashing her brilliant smile at the camera. This is usually the picture you see of the dad, the new baby and superhero mom. But, no, not ours. I'm unconscious! Every time I thought about this particular picture for about 2 weeks I just cried, I couldn't help it. I was disappointed, sad that I missed out, I felt bad, especially when Chuck told me I told him "no" when he asked if I wanted to hold Aaron. I just felt awful about the whole thing. I knew I couldn't do anything about it, but maybe I thought on a certain level that if I just would have sucked it up about the things I was feeling (physically) during the surgery, the docs wouldn't have doped me up as much as they felt they needed to.
Now looking at those pictures I'm still a little bummed, but I figure for the next time (if there is a next time, don't get your hopes up Moms!!), I'll be sure to be conscious for the delivery. I'll definitely be avoiding any narcotics considering that's what the doc said interfered with the nerve block.
Now I just make sure I absorb every possible minute. I sit there an watch him sometimes and wish I had my camera right there, but I don't want to see him through a camera lens all the time! So I'm sure I miss stuff on film (or compact flash) but I see it with my eyes. And sometimes I just can't take them off of him!
9 comments:
Don't compare yourself to Lauren - it's not worth the time (and emotions). One day I think God will let us look back on any part of our lives and watch. I'm sure that you looked more beautiful than you think you did. Besides, it's the heart and love that count and how you raise Aaron (and any possible others) that God looks upon.
Give hugs to onry (I've been spelling it wrong on everything else - where is my mind?)!!!!
I know you feel you were a wimp, but you didn't expect these problems. I felt you were a champ. I couldn't believe how fast your mobility improved.
I am just glad were were all there to help.
You were so pleased to get those carpets replaced and I am glad the dads were there to help.
I loved helping. At least I hope were were a help and not in your face all the time. I tried my best to be in the background.
When the nurse tried to hand Eleanor to me, I clearly remember saying "no, no, no!". I was shaking so bad from the drugs or loss of hormones that I was worried about dropping her. Whenever we (as women) envision our new baby and life with him/her the un-pretty stuff (being drugged up, being in pain, being frustrated by the cries etc) doesn't enter the picture or vision so it can be a surprise. Maybe we've seen too much TV and movies where the woman in labor doesn't even break a sweat or get her hair out of place. Anyway, you are building lots of beautiful memories with Aaron NOW. Thanks for being so honest on your blog. We can all relate on some level. Love, Angie
I barely saw my baby for hours after she was born (and I didn't even have a C-section!). I was so exhausted and in horrible pain, plus drugged up. I remember waking up at one point and wondering where my baby was. Then I thought, "I just had a baby and she's off down the hall somewhere and I'm just in here sleeping and there's nothing I can do about it." So I went back to sleep! I didn't nurse her for the first time for many hours after she was born. And as you can see, we're both just fine now and have a great bond, so who cares, right?
Isn't it funny how it seems that everybody else has it so much more together than us! From the moment labor hit until about a month after Haddie was born I felt like my life was spinning completely out of control :). Sleep deprivation, hormones, labor, surgery certainly don't help. My pregnancy and birth experiences certainly aren't something I would have chose for myself. I couldn't get out of bed for about two months of my pregnancy b/c of morning sickness. Even though it stayed with me my entire pregnancy (poor Brance... I can't tell you how many times he got to see me throw up... a few times at the dinner table...yuck!) thankfully I was able to manage to get out of bed after the first trimester. I remember laying in bed during the first few months (b/c everything made me throw up... the motion from moving, tv, reading, taking a shower etc.etc.) totally unexcited about my pregnancy... even wishing I weren't pregnant. Abortion was never an option for me... but I do remember thinking that if I happened to miscarry I probably wouldn't be upset. I can't tell you how much guilt I carried around about that!
Life rarely happens as perfectly as we would like. And even though other people look like they have it all together... they don't. Life's difficulties are what make us more reliant on Christ. When we realize we don't have it all together, we are more likely to depend on him with our messy life :).
As I write this I'm sitting in my messy apartment :).
It is really funny how we always think somebody else has it all together, when in reality, nobody does. Some people are better able to hide it, but everyone struggles with something. I recently heard a quote that I really like: "Comparison is the thief of joy." It's so true that as long as we keep comparing ourselves to each other we'll never realize who God is making each of us individually to be. I think you're great, Dawn! And you too, Lauren!
Thanks Tiana. Your pretty great too :). I love that quote by the way.
I am so glad that I got to be there with you!!! I loved feeding you ice chips and doing whatever I could to help you and Chuck! I was so glad that you let me hang out with you and Aaron in the hospital on my birthday!!! I loved every second of being there with you! I was so happy that I got to hang out with you before you had him too... it was more sister time rather than us and him which we'll get forever now. Thank you for letting us stay with you as much as we did in the hospital. That was amazing to get to see. Such a marvel to me!!! You did amazing... even though you said you were being a wimp. I think you did amazing. You did something I'm too afraid to EVER do! I love you so much, and you are my hero for what you did!!! Really, you were so great!!!! I love you!!!
All you mothers are heros as far as I'm concerned! God knew that men could never handle the pain, which is why he let you ladies give birth. :-)
I don't know how ya'll do it. Seriously, you're a hero Dawn. And just look at that little lad, you did great!
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